Fatherhood

 I am carrying the torch you
Handed me
Not handed.
Placed

Carefully
This is sacred space.

Was the carrying so heavy for you as well?
Were you held as a child?
Did you feel knowing arms like walls
Shelter your inner storms
As the rain battered ugly
And loudly
Against your open windows?

Did you know your own arms
As they held me
Or didn't... I don't remember

I do remember you were

Careful.
It was sacred space.

You placed yourself like walls
To shelter against the storms outside
When the rains battered ugly 
And loudly

But I felt alone inside
There was no one huddling small
With me
No one sharing breath 
And touch
And fear
And tears
No one holding the torch
Warming this 

Sacred space.
I didn't need careful 
I needed care

I looked
But you were outside again
There are so many jobs to do
Repairs to be made
Things to be tidied.
A storm's coming

This is the torch you passed me
So heavy
I hold it close and wonder:

How were you held
That you forgot to hold me?