I think it's time I jotted down some of my camp compositions. Praps sometime soon. For now, here is a little something I've had in the works off and on for a month or two. (Also available in handy Word(TM) format)


7 Ways to Botch a Wooing:
A How-to Guide.

You will probably have seen recently, possibly over the past week, an individual or individuals seeking the affection of another individual (or individuals, generally of the opposite sex) with intent to romance. This activity or set of activities is more colloquially known as wooing. Wooing is the part-and-parcel of existence for a large portion of society. This primal activity, dating back to the earliest amorous intents of the first humans is part of our very nature. As such an important activity, a whole raft of different strategies have been developed and honed over the course of time, some successful, some less so. I myself have dabbled in this superior activity from time to time.

I am not by any stretch of the imagination a professional wooer. By no means! In fact, a list of my success stories could be totaled on one hand, if you were counting hands. I have had, however, vast experience in failure, both personally and by external observation.

I would like to share a bit of my garnered wisdom with you now. The following are seven well crafted stratagems I have employed or seen employed in the pursuit of the amorous affiliate of the heart. These can be utilised singly, but for most comprehensive results, a combination stratagem is advised. Note that many of these relate to parties and other social events, but they can all easily be tailored to many diverse situations. The viewpoint is decidedly masculine in vantage, not with any slight towards the feminine wooer intended, but more to do with the lack of genderal flexibilities of my experience.

1) Leech

The ‘Leech’, as the name implies involves attaching yourself to a victim with a grimly focused tenacity. The idea here is that if you stay really close to the target for long enough, they will become accustomed to your presence and perhaps even enjoy your company. The leech follows the target of attraction everywhere, standing and sitting in as close proximity as possible. If she goes to get another drink, finish your own quickly and follow suite. When she goes to the bathroom, find some excuse to be hanging just outside waiting for when she emerges. If she wanders off to converse with a different group of friends, it is high time you caught up with them too. It’s all about being there for her, literally. If she’s dropping hints about needing some space, don’t worry, she’s just playing hard-to-get and it’s time to step it up a notch. Incessantly calling her home and/or texting her is another great weapon in the leech’s arsenal, and should be used wherever possible.

2) Mirror

Imitation is the highest form of flattery. This technique is brilliant in its simplicity. If she laughs you laugh, if she dislikes something you also harbour negative sentiments about it. In every way express identical opinions on each and every subject that should happen to crop up. The true master 'Mirror' will even indulge in a little opinion-competition with the target. If she mildly dislikes the taste of Scrumpy Apple Cider (TM), you have despised and detested it since you first emerged from the womb. Let her know, that in everything and every way, you both think exactly alike. No, in fact, you think more like her than she does herself. Such kindred spirits, it was meant to be! The way she starts to abandon vocal opinions as soon as you enter the conversation cannot be other than a sign that she wants you to be her spokesperson.

3) Thorn

When pursuing this prickly approach, be prepared to disagree with anything and everything said by the woman you have your eyes on. Better still, find something that really irritates her, or that she is embarrassed about, anything at all, and hassle, hassle, hassle. If she hates people talking sport, bring up tonight’s big game whenever she enters the conversation. If she thinks she is overweight, a constant barrage of fat-jokes and not-so-gentle reminders of her perceived awkward size should more than do the job. This approach is a favorite for those in primary school, where it is somehow effective at securing affections. It is also popular amongst the not-so-bright secondary schoolers, and uni-students that are yet to notice its extreme potency as a ‘botch’ tactic. Being verbally and physically assaulted by the offended object of their affections and by her coterie does generally help garner their understanding, eventually. The idea behind this method, if indeed any thinking goes into it at all, is ‘any attention is good attention’. While this is often fantastic for ambitious politicians and businesses, in social situations it is only successful if by ‘success’ you mean alienating yourself from everyone around you who realize how much of a jackass you are. In this way it’s quite a broad-spectrum approach.

4) Superhero

Strut your stuff in fantastic form. Wow her with daring displays of culinary prowess; astound her with death defying leaps from balconies or with magnificent recitations of the alphabet in burp. For those pursuing the 'Superhero', no task is too small, ridiculous, or dangerous that it cannot be attempted with pigheaded obstinacy and attention-seeking flair. This method is popular amongst individuals who imbibe more alcohol than their sensibilities can counteract. The idea behind it arises from a rather primal desire to impress with skills, strength, and most of all, fearlessness. Discomfiture and embarrassment by the target party is a common result, as the stunt goes horribly awry or was horribly chosen in the first place. At least you get a lot of laughs and provide endless amusement for your friends.

5) Crooner

If you are an aspiring Frank Sinatra, this one is for you. Poetry is the language of love, and you want to get your message across loud and clear. The mainstays of this approach are bad love poems (ultra-soppy editions), but any letters generally overflowing with amourocity qualify also. Wax lyrical. Find grandiose and excessive ways of communication your attraction: perhaps a solo, beneath her window whilst standing in a pile of wilting roses; perhaps a (not-so) sober public declaration from tabletop in the midst of a social gathering. Dedicating songs on the radio could also be an idea, though perhaps a touch subtle for success. The options are only as limited as your hormone-addled imagination, so go wild.

6) Gentleman X-Treme

Is she an invalid? No, you’re just treating her like one. The gentleman X-Treme takes chivalry above and beyond the call of reason. You do everything for her, fetch drinks, return empty glasses, even hold up her end of conversations. Do not allow her to do anything that would even come within spitting distance (on a day with favorable gale-force winds) of taxing her. In your tender, all-controlling care, how can she but feel content?

7) Gift Giver

A gift gives back to the giver, so many gifts will bring huge rewards! Shower with gifts, nay, barrage her. Assault her at every turn with philanthropic displays of generosity. Wear down the entrenched fortifications of her affections with volley after relentless volley of benefaction. Every thing has its price, and you simply need to find what hers is. The perfect gifts for this tactic are ones of an overtly romantic nature, such as jewelry, heart-shaped chocolates, and flowers. Be creative, be imaginative, be expansive. Also be warned, this tactic can get pretty pricey very quick, but the reward just might be worth the cost. Possibly.



As in all things, there are those unfortunates amongst us who through shear grace, chutzpah, and smarm manage to fail abominably at each and all of these stratagems. The 'whys' and 'hows' are best left to individuals of greater wisdom than myself, suffice to say that some people seem genetically predisposed to a gross inability to 'botch a wooing'. Think of them with pity, but remember, for each one so smitten by fate, another horde of success stories are simply waiting to be discovered.

It's the opposite of

My hair was a mess
Lunchtime rode in
On well-oiled wheels
And left with a squeak
As I gulped down a meal

The boss spun lies
Like myriad webs
Each half-truth
Tripping over itself
In its eagerness to be out
I could forgive him
If not for the yellowing stain
Of cream bun on satin
A match for his yellowing smile.

I was up to my eyeballs
In ambivilent paper
Happy to sit there all day
But forcing work all the same.

She wasn't half bad, today
As she sashayed
Through the closing door
And into the meeting
Bang on time.
If I had her looks
There's no way
I'd ever be anything but.